It’s amazing. I spent my entire Saturday working on a submission for the 48 Hour Film Project in DC. No money was made. Actually, money was lost because I couldn’t work my two Saturday Weight Watcher meetings (and these are my most profitable for the week, so I rarely give them up if I can help it). No fame was found (yet…hopefully). Just a solid day of shooting. However, I found myself CHEESING on the way home from set. I was soooo excited to be around other creative folks. Soooo excited to be in front of the camera. Soooo excited to do the read through, offering suggestions, and seeing the other actors execute my thoughts.
The entire experience reminded me of the quote “do what makes you happy and the money will follow…” or something like that. Y’all get the point. I’m not sure if “the money” will follow, but what I am sure of is a good ass time and a sense of accomplishment.
Can’t Nothing Steal My Joy
On the way home, I stopped at my favorite Pho spot and ran into my tax guy. I was so overwhelmed with excitement from my day on set, I blurted out I had quit my job, moved to NYC, and just came from shooting a film for a competition. The look on his face said “you done lost your mind,” yet his mouth said “oh…wow.” Luckily for me, I was on a such a high, I didn’t let his unintentional negativity get me down. I shifted the conversation to something more comfortable for him – himself. Not that he’s self-centered, I just needed to get the focus off of me.
The amount of times this man has introduced me to other people stating “you would never guess what she does,” you woulda thought he would’ve been just as excited as I was by my news! Wrong. I can’t say he was disappointed in my decision (not that it matters – he is JUST my tax guy), but he definitely wasn’t super supportive, offering some catch phrase like “go on girl with your bad self!” or “bout damn time!”
I’m realizing, for most folks, it’s okay for me to be a stand-up comedian, and to live my dreams…as long as I’m doing it during nights and weekends. It’s a cute “hobby” and a conversation starter. However, now that I’ve taken my dream from “a cute hobby” to “a career,” folks are more scared for me than they are intrigued.
“It’s not me…it’s you”
Well, that’s not true. I don’t think folks are scared FOR me, I think they’re scared for THEMSELVES. I’m starting to realize by me stepping out on faith/believing in myself/living my dream, or whatever you want to call it, I have turned into a huge mirror. When they see me, they begin to ask themselves why they don’t have the courage to do the same. How do I know this? Because there were several folks who turned into huge mirrors for me. One of my bestest buds took the same leap 2 years ago, and just got on his first TV pilot. Several comedians who started around the same time as me are in LA, writing for various sitcoms and TV shows.
Hearing about all of this success my peers were experiencing, while I remained at a well-paid, meaningless job, caused severe depression. I felt like a failure, a coward, a fraud. It’s a sickening feeling knowing what you’re doing is not making you happy, and will never make you happy; yet, you are too paralyzed with the “what-ifs” to make a change. I was tired of not being able to look at my Facebook newsfeed for fear I would see someone else’s success, and not be able to handle it.
Discontent is a Disease
It consumes every ounce of you, prevents you from doing what you want to do, and living the quality of life you desire. The sad thing is, most of us are suffering from an acute AND chronic case of Discontentment. What’s even worse? We don’t even realize it…and you can’t treat what you don’t know.
I know I’m going to face a fair amount of folks who will think I have lost my mind, or don’t believe that Happiness can be achieved. I know these same folks will think it’s impossible to live a life that does not revolve around cubicles, bimonthly paychecks, and company picnics. And, I know these folks will probably not even realize they have a chronic case of Discontentment. However, I’ve realized in this one week and one day of freedom from Cubicle Hell, in order to be Happy, Fear must be overcome.
I really didn’t plan on being this emotional in this post. I really intended on writing about the amazing time I had on Saturday…but…I guess I had more on my brain than I realized.
Anywhos, here’s a pic of me looking like a bad ass. It was taken on set with the realest, fake gun I’ve ever played with. I think this is how my alter ego looks.
I wish I could post the short film we created, however, until it has been screened by the judges, it can not be uploaded to the public. I can not wait to share!