A Journal Post

I’m embarrassed it’s been this long since I’ve posted, but for some reason, every time I thought about writing, I got nervous and scared.  New York has been hazing me in ways I never imagined when I was planning this move.  I’ve gotten horribly sick AND I have no health insurance, my car got towed, my roommates are absolutely disgusting, I’ve gained almost 10lbs, and I’m broker than I planned.  However, good has happened as well:  I advanced to the semi-finals of NBC’s Stand-Up for Diversity (I’ve done this casting call 4 times and this is the furthest I’ve gotten), was accepted to the She-Devil Comedy Festival (was rejected last year), met some cool folks, and have been forced to face myself (more on that later).

I can’t say whether it’s evened out, the good vs the bad.  What I will say is this is not for the faint of heart.  It’s so easy for depression to sink in (10lb weight gain).  I keep reminding myself this is what I asked for, this is what I truly want.  I am now being tested on that belief.  I get beyond annoyed when people from home try to tell me they understand, or some cliche like “keep your head up.”  It’s so easy to tell someone to keep their head up when you’re living in comfort.  However, quitting is not an option.  My desire to be a world-famous comedian will never go away.  If I quit and go back to the mundane life of being an engineer, I will initially feel a sense of relief, living in my own apartment again and being able to afford luxuries, however, after that subsides, a wave of disappointment will take over.

I spend a decent amount of time writing down what I want.  I do that to refocus.  It’s so easy to lose focus, yet I know I can’t afford to…literally.  I’ve fallen in love almost every week with someone new, then immediately fallen into disgust.  I ask the Universe on a regular basis to provide me some sort of map – ANYTHING – to help me know what I am supposed to be doing.  This move has made me feel more alone and isolated, yet crowded at the same time.  I am unsure who to trust in this city, along with everyone’s motives.  It always seems like someone wants something from me, even if it’s just sex.

But, I know, all of this is necessary.  I had false expectations on my  move.  What I didn’t anticipate was everything OUTSIDE of comedy.  The smallest things so easily knock you down when you’re already on a tightrope.  I cried for 2 days straight when my car got towed.  I was beyond terrified when I was sick.  However, I’m now learning how not to take things for granted.  My throat no longer hurts to swallow – this is huge as I dealt with a sore throat for over a month.  Only one finger is swollen today and I’ve been managing Lupus with no medication.  That’s a blessing.  I had the $185 to get my car out of the impound lot.  All of these things forced me to look on the “bright” side and realize though they suck, I am still on top.

So, to sum it all up, New York is kicking my ass.  However, I am making it work.  I sometimes forget how resilient I am, but this experience is a daily reminder.  The scariest part of this journey is I have no clue when things will start looking up.

11 comments on “A Journal Post

  1. You are so strong and you are proving so every day! You went not only 1 step out of your comfort zone to pursue your dream but comp;etely out of your comfort zone, into someone else’s, and then out of their comfort zone. I’m constantly in awe of how brave you were to even take the first step and now I’m so proud of all you have accomplished in such a short amount of relative time with your career! I know you said it’s been kicking your ass, but you can’t ignore how well your comedy is doing! I don’t have any advice or any uplifting way to end my comment. But seriously – I think, regardless of how little clout my opinion has, you are doing amazing!

    1. Thank you sooo much Mrs. Sutz:-) It’s funny cause I remember how stressed you were with your wedding plans and how I was kinda relaxed as I was prepping for this move. Now you’re settled (I assume), and I’m the stressed one. Thanks for reminding me I can do this. Please keep me posted with your crossfit games!

  2. Hey girl. Its the inspire2dream girl again. I will most definitely not tell you to “keep your head up” or “things could be worse” or “thank God you have a roof over your head.” Although these things are true they do not help when you are low. So what i will tell you is that you are brave and you have taken the road less traveled. Obstacles are used as tools for learning, for strength, and for growth. Never share your dreams with practical people or ones who have given up or to people God has not shared your vision with. And people may look at you and shake their heads because you decided to follow your dreams in an economy that doesn’t have time to dream but you are braver and smarter than all of them because you found the key to true joy and happiness, which is to follow your dreams and your heart. Some people wouldn’t dare do what you did. So continue to follow your dreams and your heart. Circumstances come along with the journey. Some choose to give up and others brush themselves off and keep going. I believe you are the person who can overcome all. God bless.

    1. I know you can relate to how things are going now. I think the hardest part of this journey is really not even being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, after doing yoga today (which I had stopped doing as well), I realized I need to just be happy with the moment I am in. At that moment, I was okay. I didn’t need to think about bills that I couldn’t pay or the state of my career. Thanks for your blog and your encouraging words.

  3. (Smile) I don’t watch television, so your travails, triumphs, and shenanigans are my connection to the larger world of people striving and (self)-clarifying in their own unique way. The stress, doubt, fear, and pain are real, but I understand – through your posts – that the force(s) driving you toward your dreams is even realer. So I salute you for putting yourself out there for the sea of timid souls to witness – in real time. And willing yourself to focus on the good in the midst of the “suck” – that is beautiful. I won’t encourage your punk-ass any more :) I’ll just brim with pride as you climb higher and higher and get closer to your goals.

  4. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS POST!! I can relate on some levels to the challenges you faced…money, lonliness, depression. Thought about going back, but like you said ut would be instant relief then what? Keep pushing forward. It does get better but there are new challenges and struggles to overcome. But with each pass you learn something new about yourself you didn’t know before. MUCH LOVE!!

    1. Thank you much! This truly is a time of self discovery and rising to the challenge and all that other stuff people say. I’m glad you enjoyed and could relate. When we doing Caribbana again?!

      1. Self-discovery is an understatement! I have learned so much more about myself and have grown so much being out of my element…and I LOVE the new me! At some point you will “see the light” (or a glimpse) and it will push you forward. Just keep perservering.

        Girl…Caribana? How about Cropova in the Bahamas or even Trini Carnival since I have never been. Hahaha!

  5. Back in March, saw the Wayans Family on “Oprah’s Next Chapter”. Person that came to mind several times while watching was yourself. Found it real inspiring, I believe you will too, assuming you haven’t seen it already.

    There’s nothing getting that boost from reading/hearing the success stories from those who’ve made it through the struggles.

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