I’m embarrassed it’s been this long since I’ve posted, but for some reason, every time I thought about writing, I got nervous and scared. New York has been hazing me in ways I never imagined when I was planning this move. I’ve gotten horribly sick AND I have no health insurance, my car got towed, my roommates are absolutely disgusting, I’ve gained almost 10lbs, and I’m broker than I planned. However, good has happened as well: I advanced to the semi-finals of NBC’s Stand-Up for Diversity (I’ve done this casting call 4 times and this is the furthest I’ve gotten), was accepted to the She-Devil Comedy Festival (was rejected last year), met some cool folks, and have been forced to face myself (more on that later).
I can’t say whether it’s evened out, the good vs the bad. What I will say is this is not for the faint of heart. It’s so easy for depression to sink in (10lb weight gain). I keep reminding myself this is what I asked for, this is what I truly want. I am now being tested on that belief. I get beyond annoyed when people from home try to tell me they understand, or some cliche like “keep your head up.” It’s so easy to tell someone to keep their head up when you’re living in comfort. However, quitting is not an option. My desire to be a world-famous comedian will never go away. If I quit and go back to the mundane life of being an engineer, I will initially feel a sense of relief, living in my own apartment again and being able to afford luxuries, however, after that subsides, a wave of disappointment will take over.
I spend a decent amount of time writing down what I want. I do that to refocus. It’s so easy to lose focus, yet I know I can’t afford to…literally. I’ve fallen in love almost every week with someone new, then immediately fallen into disgust. I ask the Universe on a regular basis to provide me some sort of map – ANYTHING – to help me know what I am supposed to be doing. This move has made me feel more alone and isolated, yet crowded at the same time. I am unsure who to trust in this city, along with everyone’s motives. It always seems like someone wants something from me, even if it’s just sex.
But, I know, all of this is necessary. I had false expectations on my move. What I didn’t anticipate was everything OUTSIDE of comedy. The smallest things so easily knock you down when you’re already on a tightrope. I cried for 2 days straight when my car got towed. I was beyond terrified when I was sick. However, I’m now learning how not to take things for granted. My throat no longer hurts to swallow – this is huge as I dealt with a sore throat for over a month. Only one finger is swollen today and I’ve been managing Lupus with no medication. That’s a blessing. I had the $185 to get my car out of the impound lot. All of these things forced me to look on the “bright” side and realize though they suck, I am still on top.
So, to sum it all up, New York is kicking my ass. However, I am making it work. I sometimes forget how resilient I am, but this experience is a daily reminder. The scariest part of this journey is I have no clue when things will start looking up.