And I’m a bit embarrassed by this revelation. I went out with a white boy yesterday (this already sounds racist…I think it’s the word “boy”) and had an awesome time. Yet, I found myself holding back. I found myself not wanting to like him or go in like I normally would on a date. For what? No good reason at all. He was a complete gentleman. Hell, he took me to a vegan restaurant, suffered through fake meat (which I thoroughly enjoyed – insert dick joke here), paid, came to my open mic, hung out, was normal, had great conversation, is a fellow artist. I mean, there is NOTHING wrong with this dude…except he’s white.
So, I thought about this same date, and mentally inserted a black dude in there (or some form of brown…nah, it was black cause that’s what I’m comfortable with). I woulda been head over heels. I woulda been calling my girls talking about “bitch get in the gym. You about to be trying on bridesmaid dresses!” I mean, this guy complimented me, he told me he liked me, he told me he wanted to see me again. He was open and honest. At one point I asked about a past relationship, he told me about it, then said “you know, I really don’t want to talk about this. We can find something more appropriate to discuss.” Well, got damn! This dude would’ve been perfect…if he were black.
And that’s what I have been debating all last night and this morning…until it hit me. It really has nothing to do with his race. It has to do with him treating me with respect and admiring me and wanting to be with me. It’s been so long…and by so long, I mean NEVER, since I didn’t have to chase a guy or convince him of my awesomeness. I have spent my entire dating career convincing men that I am worthy of their time. For the first time, I met someone who is trying to convince me…and I don’t even think he’s trying to convince, I think he’s just being himself.
I genuinely don’t know how to be treated with love and respect by a man. And yes, I think that’s something one has to be taught and learn. My ex-boyfriend was awesome, this by no means is an attack against him. But, even with that situation, I chased him for 6 months. Once he got on board, it was all good. But even then, I would still feel awkward asking him for anything.
I used to think I operated this way because I was an “independent woman.” But, I realized my synonym for “independent” was “damaged.” I really am struggling with how to accept kindness and adoration from the opposite sex, without expecting them to have expectations for sex in return. I guess this will be added to the list of lessons I am embarking on in the big city.
So, it’s not that I’m a bigot, I’m a bit damaged. I do plan on going out with this guy again (he already asked me out). I will try my best to just enjoy being treated the way I should be treated. And, hopefully I will learn how to accept respect from the opposite sex. If not, lesbianism is always an option. I am a female comic. No one will be shocked…disappointed, maybe…but definitely not shocked.
#TeamVag #ILikePenis #KeepingUpWithDookie