I Ain’t Shit

And here’s why.  I’ve been dating one of the most amazing dudes ever.  I have never met a guy who treats me this good.  I have absolutely no complaints about him.  So, what’s the problem?  For the first time in my life, I want no parts of a relationship.  I don’t want to experience the first kiss, the first I love you, the first fight, the first anything.  I want to wake up every morning in my bed…by myself.  I want to be as comfortable as possible in this very uncomfortable time in my life.  I want to be selfish and moody and stingy with my time…AND, not have to explain my behavior.  But, because this guy is so nice, is so kind, is so #TeamDookie, I feel I should give him a chance.

Let’s analyze this illogical, sick thought process.  In the past, I’ve given dudes who treat me like horse shit a fairer opportunity at getting with me.  Hell, I’ve thrown myself at men for the past 16 years (I’m 31, so we’ll say I started really being interested in guys at 16).  I’ve accepted being cheated on, talked down to, and general disrespect.  I’ve screwed on the first date, I’ve tried to “sell” myself as this chill girl who doesn’t require a lot of time or energy.  To be honest, I’ve put myself on sale for all of my teen and adult years.  And, depending on what year it was, I might’ve been on clearance.  I’ve cooked, I’ve cleaned, I’ve not asked for help from men I was seeing to avoid seeming needy.  I’ve given expensive presents to earn their attention and affection.  I’ve quieted my opinions, beliefs, values, wants, and needs in order to come off as this great bargain.  Because, in my mind, everyone wants a bargain.  Everyone wants to feel they got a good deal – when it comes to laundry detergent, cereal, and shoes.  No one wants a bargain when it comes to their girlfriend.  At 31, I just learned this.

I wish I would’ve known that 16 years ago.  I wish I had someone to tell me how valuable I was 16 years ago.  I wish I wasn’t now learning at 31 how to treat myself with respect, and command it from others.  But, better late than never.

So, back to this wonderful guy I’m dating.  Why should I give him a shot?  I know.  I know.  I don’t owe anybody anything and if he’s that great and amazing, be honest with him.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  I’ve done all that.  I’ve had the “I am really not looking for a relationship” speech.  I’ve also had the “I just got out of a really long relationship and taking time for myself,” the “I really need to focus on my career,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m really broken right now, and I don’t think I could treat you the way you should be treated” speeches.  All of these are honest and valid.  However, I am lying by omission to myself and him.

The real reason I can’t be with this amazing guy, right now?  I don’t know how to accept being treated with adoration, respect, and kindness.  I have no clue how I should be treated in a healthy relationship.  It makes me uncomfortable when he does little things for me.  And by little things, I really mean LITTLE things:  pays for dinner or drinks, tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, or how excited he is to see me, or asks for me to send him a picuture, or tells me how much he likes me.”  LITTLE things.  The simplest things send me into a panic!  PANIC! My fight or flight syndrome kicks in, and I immediately want to take flight and run away from him and everything amazing and good he stands for.

I am accustomed to being treated like crap.  I’m being honest.  It’s my natural habitat.  I pretend like I want more, because I know I should, but, my actions suggest otherwise.  I had a guy I slept with, who has no apartment, invite me over to sit on his friend’s couch (that’s where he stays and sleeps), watch his friend’s TV, and eat an Entermann cake (he specifically told me it was that “Entermann’s joint”) he purchased from the Rite Aid across the street.  This is a guy I was intimate with.  This was a guy I entertained being in a relationship with.  This was a guy I was so accommodating and nice and kind to.  This guy also told me after we had sex twice he couldn’t date a female comic because he felt comics shouldn’t date each other.  Did he not have this same sentiment before the first time?  This guy said we could have sex “one more time” then just be friends.  And I entertained him and his foolishness.  I felt comfortable, at ease with this nonsense.

Ugh.  Well, I’ve identified the problem (as I did in a previous post), and it’s time to work through it.  I just feel like I already got a ton of stuff to work through, and my self-esteem issues, specifically when it comes to men is just not on the top 3.  But, in actuality, it has to be.  How I feel about myself is reflected in these past dealings.  If I am telling the world how much I am worth when it comes to men, that price tag spills over to other avenues of my life…specifically, comedy.  I genuinely believe there’s a correlation between my career and my self-esteem.  I am looking forward to continuing on this uncomfortable journey of self-realization, self-improvement, and gettin’ dat money.

On a side note, I am now even balder than I have been in the past.  My hair gets funkier and funkier the longer I’m in New York.  In a weird way, each hair cut brings me closer to me.  I hope that didn’t come off deeper than necessary.

"Baby I'm a STAR!" - My New Do.
“Baby I’m a STAR!” – My New Do.

star5

 

9 comments on “I Ain’t Shit

  1. I love your open honesty. You have to allow people to treat you well, along side those who treat you not so great. It’ll be evident what’s BS and where you should show appreciation. You’ll get tired of the BS after a while. But be careful of the good guy. He’s probably genuinely concerned, and cares, and great. But why? Watch out that you’re not a project to him, because if he’s that guy why isn’t he settled? He’ll set you up for success, just but with him, and then set you free. I can be that guy…and it’s as unexplainable as why you’re not giving the good guy a chance.

    1. Yeah, I’m trying not to question his niceness because I’ve done that in the past. Kinda like “you want to be with ME? You know how much shit I got with ME?! Clearly, something is wrong with YOU! I’m outta here!” type foolishness. I will continue to give him as fair a shot as I can. If nothing else, he’s already helped me recognize a lot about myself in the short time I’ve known him.

  2. I love you. You are an amazing, real, honest woman. Thank you so much for this blog post. I am going thru something so similar right now. After a long marriage where I accepted being treated similar to you I am in the dating world. I’m having to analyze the woman I want to be now. The life I want now. I want to welcome a new man that loves to adorn me the “little things”. Like your new man. That is genuinely a good guy. This will be hard for me to. Thank you again. I hope you let this man treat you well. Don’t run. Fall into his arms and let him know you appreciate him.

    1. Donna please do the same!!! It ain’t as easy as people think to just accept being treated kindly. It’s like an abused dog – I might bite your hand while you’re trying to feed me. Me attracting him in the first place is a clear sign I am getting “better” and feeling better about myself. In the past, I only attracted assholes. Keep your head up my dare! You’re an awesome person. Deep breaths when someone treats you how you’re SUPPOSED to be treated. We’ll ride through this together:-)

  3. I admire how being on your own in NYC, while very tough, has finally made you find the real YOU! From your hair to your thoughts on yourself I can tell that while very scary you are growing SO MUCH! I don’t care what you do to your hair or who you date or don’t date – I just love how you are facing life right now.

    1. I think Alanis Morrisette’s “Jagged Little Pill” is the soundtrack to my life at the moment. Thanks for the support, encouragement, and reminder that I’m doing what I set out to do. If this were easy, I woulda done it already. My life is New York is like running Tough Mudder daily.

  4. Hello Soror,

    This blog post is very good. Your transparency is actually heartwarming. The fact that you are able to reflect and be that honest with yourself during your “self assessment” shows a level of maturity that is not often seen in adults of ANY age. To, so eloquently, put into words these trials of character development is awesome, and they will definitely inspire others (especially young women) whether that was you intention or not.
    As far as you not knowing if you should allow yourself a chance to be in a relationship with this “good guy” while you’re in this current state of mind….well I would suggest give it a chance. This may be the opportunity (and the guy) to better show you how you should be treated; what expectations you should set in a relationship; how wonderful you truly are; and how awesome it is to truly be loved. Not every “teachable moment” has to be a result of a BAD experience. Just take it slow as you continue to grow.

    I’m liking this side of you. And when you’re done, you should write a book. Keep gettin dat money my Sista!

    Skee Phi

    1. If inspiration is what happens, then consider it a 2 bird, 1 stone kinda deal. Initially, this blog was supposed to be ALL funny. After all, I am a comedian. However, I got bigger issues in my life right now, and I’m sure the folks who support me would rather hear the truths about my journey, than some horse shit of me painting some imaginary picture.
      I have no clue what the Universe has in store for me. I am trying to always remember I am being tested and beat up so I am able to grow. Only in discomfort can we truly grow.
      As always, thanks for the support Phrat! Skeeeeeeeeee-Phi!!!!

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