And here’s why. I’ve been dating one of the most amazing dudes ever. I have never met a guy who treats me this good. I have absolutely no complaints about him. So, what’s the problem? For the first time in my life, I want no parts of a relationship. I don’t want to experience the first kiss, the first I love you, the first fight, the first anything. I want to wake up every morning in my bed…by myself. I want to be as comfortable as possible in this very uncomfortable time in my life. I want to be selfish and moody and stingy with my time…AND, not have to explain my behavior. But, because this guy is so nice, is so kind, is so #TeamDookie, I feel I should give him a chance.
Let’s analyze this illogical, sick thought process. In the past, I’ve given dudes who treat me like horse shit a fairer opportunity at getting with me. Hell, I’ve thrown myself at men for the past 16 years (I’m 31, so we’ll say I started really being interested in guys at 16). I’ve accepted being cheated on, talked down to, and general disrespect. I’ve screwed on the first date, I’ve tried to “sell” myself as this chill girl who doesn’t require a lot of time or energy. To be honest, I’ve put myself on sale for all of my teen and adult years. And, depending on what year it was, I might’ve been on clearance. I’ve cooked, I’ve cleaned, I’ve not asked for help from men I was seeing to avoid seeming needy. I’ve given expensive presents to earn their attention and affection. I’ve quieted my opinions, beliefs, values, wants, and needs in order to come off as this great bargain. Because, in my mind, everyone wants a bargain. Everyone wants to feel they got a good deal – when it comes to laundry detergent, cereal, and shoes. No one wants a bargain when it comes to their girlfriend. At 31, I just learned this.
I wish I would’ve known that 16 years ago. I wish I had someone to tell me how valuable I was 16 years ago. I wish I wasn’t now learning at 31 how to treat myself with respect, and command it from others. But, better late than never.
So, back to this wonderful guy I’m dating. Why should I give him a shot? I know. I know. I don’t owe anybody anything and if he’s that great and amazing, be honest with him. Blah. Blah. Blah. I’ve done all that. I’ve had the “I am really not looking for a relationship” speech. I’ve also had the “I just got out of a really long relationship and taking time for myself,” the “I really need to focus on my career,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m really broken right now, and I don’t think I could treat you the way you should be treated” speeches. All of these are honest and valid. However, I am lying by omission to myself and him.
The real reason I can’t be with this amazing guy, right now? I don’t know how to accept being treated with adoration, respect, and kindness. I have no clue how I should be treated in a healthy relationship. It makes me uncomfortable when he does little things for me. And by little things, I really mean LITTLE things: pays for dinner or drinks, tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, or how excited he is to see me, or asks for me to send him a picuture, or tells me how much he likes me.” LITTLE things. The simplest things send me into a panic! PANIC! My fight or flight syndrome kicks in, and I immediately want to take flight and run away from him and everything amazing and good he stands for.
I am accustomed to being treated like crap. I’m being honest. It’s my natural habitat. I pretend like I want more, because I know I should, but, my actions suggest otherwise. I had a guy I slept with, who has no apartment, invite me over to sit on his friend’s couch (that’s where he stays and sleeps), watch his friend’s TV, and eat an Entermann cake (he specifically told me it was that “Entermann’s joint”) he purchased from the Rite Aid across the street. This is a guy I was intimate with. This was a guy I entertained being in a relationship with. This was a guy I was so accommodating and nice and kind to. This guy also told me after we had sex twice he couldn’t date a female comic because he felt comics shouldn’t date each other. Did he not have this same sentiment before the first time? This guy said we could have sex “one more time” then just be friends. And I entertained him and his foolishness. I felt comfortable, at ease with this nonsense.
Ugh. Well, I’ve identified the problem (as I did in a previous post), and it’s time to work through it. I just feel like I already got a ton of stuff to work through, and my self-esteem issues, specifically when it comes to men is just not on the top 3. But, in actuality, it has to be. How I feel about myself is reflected in these past dealings. If I am telling the world how much I am worth when it comes to men, that price tag spills over to other avenues of my life…specifically, comedy. I genuinely believe there’s a correlation between my career and my self-esteem. I am looking forward to continuing on this uncomfortable journey of self-realization, self-improvement, and gettin’ dat money.
On a side note, I am now even balder than I have been in the past. My hair gets funkier and funkier the longer I’m in New York. In a weird way, each hair cut brings me closer to me. I hope that didn’t come off deeper than necessary.