I was in the midst of a blog post that excited me, when I got a call from the white boy I’ve been blogging about. So, let me catch you up. After hanging with my married girlfriends and having serious discussions on how I deserve to be treated, I was going to give the white dude a fair shot. I acknowledged how uncomfortable I am being cherished and adored. I recognized in order for me to be comfortable accepting what I deserve, I had to make some drastic changes in my thoughts and the type of men I date. So, I mentally let my guard down and decided I would open up. I would be nice to him (I’ve been a bitch). I would reciprocate his kind words of affection. I would let him in my space, mentally and physically, more than I have been doing.
Then he called.
In response to him venting about New York living (I’m not going to share the man’s business), I shared my views on life. Before I tell you what I said, I want to preface it with he’s also an artist. He is also in NYC to pursue his dreams and passion. And, because of this commonality, I felt comfortable sharing what has and is helping me remain steadfast in the pursuing of my dreams. I also want to acknowledge that sometimes folks JUST call to vent. They don’t want or need help fixing their problems. They just want you to shut up and listen. I know this. So, here goes…
I told him my ultimate goal is Self-Mastery. I told him one of my favorite quotes and the one I live by is “I want to choose my thoughts like I choose my clothes.” I told him I believe thoughts become things and I aim to control my thoughts. And that I can’t be mad at my current station in life because it is merely the physical manifestation of my previous thoughts. I told him I want to get to a place, mentally, where I am able to filter what opinions I allow in my head from others. Because, the more I allow other’s opinions to penetrate my mind, unfiltered, the more they will impact my thoughts, which will impact my actions, which will impact my life. [I know I used the word "thoughts" a whole lot.]
I was met with awkward silence.
I felt naked.
What’s crazy is we’ve had sex. He’s seen me naked. Yet, this PHONE conversation was more intimate than anything we did in the bedroom. This phone conversation, me expressing my ultimate goals, how I process information, who I want to be, how I see the world, was as intimate as he could get with me. And I don’t think he was able to process ME.
After sex, I quickly covered my body when we were done. I’m extremely self-conscious, and even more so now that I’ve gained weight. I didn’t want him looking at me because my physical self is not something I am proud of…yet. HOWEVER, my MIND? Whewwww-weeee! MY MIND! I fuckin’ love this brain of mine. I fuckin’ love how I process and synthesize. I am an animal when it comes to THINKING. And I am unapologetic about that. If someone were to ask me what I think is the sexiest thing about me, I would say My Thought Process. My face can and does attract men, my thoughts captivate, intrigue, and hold them hostage.
He was not captivated. He was not intrigued. He wanted to leave. Immediately. I felt like he looked at my Naked Mind and thought “uhhh…I got to get the hell outta here,” because he immediately changed the subject and ended with “uhh…yeah…I can’t wait to see you tonight.”
I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I am unsure if he needs time to process what I said. I did shoot him a text saying I’m sorry if you just wanted to vent and I took over trying to fix an imaginary problem. He responded with I’m fine and stop apologizing.
I don’t want a man caught up in the superficial Me. I want someone who gets aroused at the thought of a bottle of wine at the kitchen table, spewing over THOUGHTS. Though my hair is fresh to death, and I no longer physically look like a nerd, that nerdy Ayanna is still in there, louder than ever, because she’s been nurtured and is hella confident.
I feel like I showed him my true naked self and I was rejected.